Hashi-what??

I was reading this post on a friend's Facebook page regarding her new Grave's disease diagnosis. An Open Letter It is an open letter for those who don't understand the disease and the serious effects that thyroid issues can wreak on a patient's life. I sat and cried while I was reading because I could recognize many of those problems in my own health. I don't have Grave's disease, but I do have a very similar auto-immune disease called Hashimoto's Thyroiditis or chronic lymphocytic thyroiditis. The biggest difference between the two is that Grave's disease sufferers generally have to deal with more fluctuation between hypo- and hyperthyroid activity. For some, Hashimoto's can cause the back and forth swings as well, but most deal with a severely under active or completely inactive thyroid. I thought this would be an ideal opportunity to explain what it's like to live with my condition, anyone can google "thyroid diseases" and get some great clinical information, but there isn't nearly as much out there about the day to day that some of us deal with.

 I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's about 8 weeks after I delivered Isabella. I was lucky to have a great OB/GYN who recognized my energy (new mommies don't have energy), hot flashes, and swollen neck as indicators of thyroid over activity and got me in to an endocrinologist ASAP.  Because I was breast feeding I refused the iodine reuptake test, and instead went with a "watch and see" approach. The endocrinologist explained that it was most likely Hashimoto's and that I would have to 'run through' the stored thyroid hormone in my body before the hypo- symptoms started. He said that during my pregnancy I had developed this autoimmune disease that I would have to deal with for the rest of my life. My body turned on me, attacked me, destroyed a vital organ, and would never function properly again. I would have to take pills for the rest of my life to keep my body functioning: to control some of the most basic biological processes. Your thyroid controls your metabolism, your ability to regulate heat, your sensitivity to other hormones can be altered, in some cases an untreated hypo-thyroid condition can cause coma or even death.

For several more weeks my thyroid hormone levels were elevated. I was burning! I do not look forward to menopause when I get to repeat the hot flashes. It was January, it was COLD outside, and I was running around in T-shirts and tank tops because I was so hot. It was like I was on fire on the inside. I was very excited about the weight loss, it was dropping off and within 12 weeks I was almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight without exercising at all. My hands would shake like I was always on a caffeine OD. I'm already kind of clumsy, this just made it that much worse. It was bothersome, but I had no idea what I was in for. Once my body used up all the thyroid hormone that I had stored, there was nothing. My thyroid isn't just under-active...it isn't active at all. It is just a dead organ in my neck. It's been downhill since then.

I'll take this opportunity to apologize. This is it, the only time I'm going to do it. I'm sorry my disease impacts the way I relate to the world, how/what I can do, and the relationships in my life. I know it's hard to be there for someone whose illness isn't obvious, whose symptoms don't always seem possible or real, someone who looks "normal" but acts disabled. I know that my symptoms may come across as contrived, that I'm just "milking it" or taking advantage of my diagnosis. I promise this isn't true. I really am exhausted, no matter how much I sleep. I really am confused and unable to concentrate, it's not that I'm not trying to pay attention to you or that what you say isn't important to me. I forget things, all the time, even really important things. I don't mean to ignore you or blow you off, sometimes I just can't do anything but hide inside myself for a bit. More often than not, I just don't have anything left after I've spent the day with my daughter. Of course I want to hang out and get something to eat or grab some drinks, I just simply can't. Some days I can't even drag my ass into the shower, it is that hard. My joints swell up, I can't even wear my class ring anymore and it's only been two years since I graduated. My hair falls out and my skin is dry and flaky and breaking out like crazy. My balance is off more than it used to be, so I fall even more often now. I'm afraid that I am going to have to have surgery soon too. I have a mass on my thyroid now and if it begins to grow, I'll have to allow a doctor to slice my neck open and remove my useless thyroid glands. I'm sad and anxious and so very tired...and this is all with synthetic thyroid hormone replacement. I have no idea what I would be like without my meds, but I wish there were some better options.

I am trying to do other things better now. I am making an effort to take care of myself, to exercise and lose weight (as you can see from the other posts on this blog). I know that carrying around extra pounds isn't helping my symptoms. Hopefully staying closer to my friends will help too, I don't think that shutting myself away has done me any favors. I have other medical conditions to deal with as well, many people with autoimmune diseases do. It's very common to have more than one autoimmune disorder at once. Mine are Hashimoto's and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I've had CFS since I was a junior in high school. I have periods of days, or even weeks, where I am so exhausted that it is all I can do to keep my eyes open all day. I've heard people comment about how "lazy" I am, or how much I must party since all I do is sleep all day. It could be that I slept 14 hours last night and I can still barely stay awake now, or it may be that my anxiety is so bad that I haven't slept more than 2 or 3 hours at a time in several days. The bottom line is I don't talk about this stuff, but maybe I should. I don't want to complain all the time and I don't want to burden anyone with my issues, however I do want people to understand. It's not just about my thyroid and fatigue conditions, it's about other people who have fibromyalgia or lupus or Grave's or even arthritis. Everyone is dealing with their own circumstances and just because you don't or can't see a problem doesn't mean that there isn't a problem. Don't be so quick to judge other people's battles (and everyone has them), especially when you don't know anything about them.

I'll keep dragging myself out of bed for her. I'll keep trying to be as 'normal' as possible. I will be the best example I can be for her. More than anything else in the world, I hope that she never has this.



**Note: I probably won't do anything quite so heavy anytime soon. Stay turned!**

A few things that make me smile

As we near the end of September I can proudly say I have lost 15 lbs so far. I have quite a way to go, but I am very excited about this first 15. I was sitting in my favorite spot on the sofa last night contemplating how much more comfy and baggy my jeans are now that there is less of me to stuff in them and my weight loss has finally started to sink in. It's been a little slower than I had hoped, but I'm noticing new things that make me smile a whole lot more often now. Like, how our bath towels (not bath sheets, but regular towels) firmly close all the way around me again. They used to gape open at the hip area so it didn't really cover anything important. As Peach would say, "the good china" was out for all to see. (If you aren't a Project Runway fan, sorry. If you are a PJ fan, you should read this The Sassy Curmudgeon.) I'm sure Brian was trying his hardest not to fall out of his chair laughing at me when I came bounding out of the bathroom with the towel around me hollering, "Look Babe! Look, it goes all the way around!" :insert amusing spin in the hallway followed by me running back to the bathroom to finish getting ready:


(This pic is from '07 and one of my absolute favorites. Sorry I don't have the cojones to post a pic of ME in a towel just yet.)

Make me smile realization #2: My boobs are shrinking!! WooHoo!! Happy Dance at Nomi's! I have discovered that some of my bras are getting looser and some of them are (gasp!) even a little bit too big. Predictably, Brian is not thrilled with this new development. He is trying very hard to be supportive of my weight loss endeavors but this side effect is really bumming him out. According to the measurements I have been taking since the beginning of August, I am down about an inch and a half at the bust. I am, if you couldn't tell, very excited about the shrinking boobs...I just wish they didn't have to sag even more now. Oh well, maybe one day I really can afford the breast reduction/lift procedure. #3: My flip flops are more comfortable. I must admit, I didn't see this one coming. I had started to notice that the instep was starting to dig in and blister my feet right where the strap connects to the sole of the shoe. I attributed this to a need for new shoes (because what red-blooded, American woman wouldn't jump at the excuse to buy new shoes?!?), but looks like I was wrong. I guess 15 lbs less makes a big difference in the amount of pressure on my shoes and now I can wear some that I didn't wear all summer. I'll have to try this out on some of my stilettos that I stashed because they were just too painful to contemplate.



Now that I've thoroughly patted myself on the back and spent far too much time looking at pics of great stilettos, I must come back to reality. I have been doing really well with the calorie counting, but I haven't been able to work out since before I went to Kansas on the 18th. I ate far too much while I was there...I went almost 4,000(!) calories over on ONE day of that weekend and I'm not even sure I counted everything I ate. Once I got back, my allergies attacked me and I have been wheezing and hacking since. Every time I try to work out I can't make it past my warmup before the wheezing starts and I can't continue. I HAVE to get back to my jogging/running training so I can be ready for the LiveStrong Challenge. I'm down to less than a month! I already had to drop out of the Run for the Fund race at Seaworld on Oct 2. I'm disappointed that I can't do it, but I WILL do the LiveStrong Challenge. I don't care if I have to drag myself across the finish line on my hands and knees, I will do it.

Sorry :-(

I know, I know, it's been over six months since the last time I posted. I'm sorry. I really want to keep up with this blog, but I just can't seem to make it happen. I am trying again, with a new sense of motivation. It's kind of like losing weight. I start out really motivated and then it tapers off and I end up back where I started (or worse!). I have a few back-posts from my personal journal that I am going to try and condense into this post and then I'll be back on top of things.

July 2010



Right after my birthday I had a small nervous breakdown. I was just lounging around a couple of weeks after looking through the pics from the surprise party that Brian threw for me and I realized that there wasn't a single good pic of me. In fact, I absolutely HATED every pic I saw. Then my pants split. Not just any pair of pants; my most favorite, stretchy, comfy, fat jeans burst apart. Once I got past the shock of throwing away my fav pants, I realized I had to face the scale. Watching the needle on the scale jerk around and come to a stop at the same number that I saw when I was 7 months pregnant(!) was one of the worst feelings ever. It's been almost four years, how can I possibly weigh this much? How could I have let myself get this bad? How did I not freak out 50 or 60lbs ago and do something? I talked to Brian and a couple of great friends and started my weight loss adventure on July 19, 2010.

August 2010



By August 1, I lost 6 lbs. I started counting calories using an iPhone app called LoseIt! and trying to workout five or six days a week. Some days all I could do was 30 minutes of simple yoga stretches, other days I am using "Rockin' Body" videos. Thus far, its all been cardio or stretching but I know I need to add resistance training too. Ugh! The thought of digging the bow-flex out of the mess and then working out in the nasty, hot, sweltering garage -- no thanks! Eww. I'll keep thinking about that one. I know I should be making better food choices too, but I find it almost impossible to eat "good" foods when the people I eat with are chowing down on all the stuff I'd rather have. Mostly I've been just eating much smaller portions of the same junk to keep my calories in check. Right now it's working, but I know that eventually I'll need to eat a little differently if I want to continue to see results. By the 30th, things are looking a little brighter, and lighter (down 12 lbs). Unfortunately on of my best friends is going through a hard time and her mom is seriously ill. After I spoke with her one afternoon and we discussed our weight battles and her mom's struggles I was inspired. I signed up for the Lance Armstrong LiveStrong Challenge in Austin! The proceeds go to cancer research and resources for cancer patients and their families. I am running (maybe walking) the 5K distance and I am trying to raise $250 on top of my registration fee by then.

Until next time...